That Just Happened!

Evans, Patricia.  The Verbally Abusive Relationship.  Adams Media Corporation (1996).

This was a great book to help you recognize the signs of abuse. There are a lot of checklists, which help to organize the matter easily. I love checklists because they help me to organize my everyday life, set goals and think through problems critically; so for me, this is a desirable feature of the book. Also, I liked the use of real-world examples used throughout. Although not everything is going to be exactly like your own relationship, hopefully if you are in a verbally abusive relationship, one of the examples will resonate with you.

The author acknowledges the part that children play in your decision to stay with an abusive person.  She doesn’t treat abuse in isolation, but recognizes it can be a relationship of long-standing abuse with many facets.  I respect that she touches on the overall ways to stop abuse (saying no, setting limits, acknowledging behaviour as abuse), but she doesn’t claim her book will help you to fix it all.  In fact, many of her examples come from therapy sessions with abuse victims and she advocates seeking help, either a with therapist or women’s shelter, for example.  This book is merely a tool to help you recognize the abusive relationship and the behaviours that the abuser might use; and give an overview on how that is going to change and how to do it.

There are different types of verbally abusive relationships and it is the easiest type of abuse to cover up.  The wounds are internal, the abuser is very cunning and it can escalate so gradually you acclimatize to the behaviour instead of seeing it for what it is.  I think this book really hammers home the point that verbal abuse is still abuse.  Which means you shouldn’t stand for it and those around you should stand by you no matter what you decide in the end. 

This was written from a male abuser, female victim perspective.  At the end  Evans answers some FAQs and says that the male’s experience of abuse is different and since she is a woman she was not the best qualified to handle that.

There are many books out there designed to help you with your relationship, but I feel that this is a great starting point if you suspect you are in, or know someone who is in, an abusive relationship.

This month’s theme for the Social Justice Challenge is Domestic Violence and Child Abuse.  The first thing I think about when this topic comes to mind is men abusing women or children physically.  Unfortunately, there are many other ways of abusing another and it isn’t just against women and children.  There are  men out there who have been beaten by their spouses, sexually molested by family or strangers, raped, or taken advantage of.  It is rare that they come forward because of how our society views “manliness”.  A lot of people automatically think “How do you rape a man?  He could just…not,” or “men really want it all the time, so he probably secretly liked it,” or “his wife beat him, what a wimp.”  It is important that people’s concept of abuse changes, myself included.  It is not just against women and children, it can happen to anyone at any time of their life.

What makes Domestic Violence and Abuse so terrifying is that it occurs at the hands of the people who are supposed to protect you and love you the most.  It can happen to anyone and at any time.  Abusive situations do not necessarily happen at the beginning of a relationship and can escalate over time.  Abusers do not have any identifying characteristics that warn you.  I was recently at an event where I met the boyfriend of someone’s family member.  He looked just like MPW; same size, really shy, was wearing a sweater I know hangs in MPW’s closet…but I know for a fact this guy is extremely violent to his partner.  He has even been put in jail because of it.  It really threw me off.  I never  would have guessed that he was like that behind closed doors, especially because he reminded me of MPW.   

One of the most common types of abuse that I have witnessed has been verbal abuse.  It is easy to forget this is  in fact abuse because there are no visible wounds or scars.  Instead of seeing it as abuse, you can see it as “kids being kids” or “teenage girls” or just that two people aren’t meant to be together because they argue a lot.  It isn’t just men vs. women, but is often seen on the playground, or in schools in the form of bullying.  Verbal abuse can often escalate.  Bullies can leave taunts behind for wedgies and secret punches.  A spouses’ rage can overspill into a push then a punch.  Verbal abuse can also be seen in the workplace.  Bosses calling their assistants “useless” or “stupid”, or coworkers teasing another mercilessly.  To explore the verbal abusive relationship further, this month I have chosen a book that touches on this issue, which I will post a review for tomorrow. 

For children in Canada there is the Kids Help Phone 1-800-668-6868, which is a number for children to call that puts kids in touch with counsellors that can help them deal with situations like domestic violence, bullying, eating disorders, verbal abuse, etc. I really encourage you to click on the link and explore this organization further.  I think it is absolutely the best resource for kids in Canada to get help.  It is accessible, it is anonymous and confidential, and the operators are available 24/7.  The following is taken right from their website and it outlines some of the important things about the organization.

Things you should know about Kids Help Phone:

1. We’re Canada’s only toll-free, 24-hour, bilingual and anonymous phone counselling, referral and Internet service for children and youth. Every day, professional counsellors provide immediate, caring support to young people in urban and rural communities across the country.
2. The service is completely anonymous and confidential – we don’t trace calls, we don’t use call display. You don’t even have to tell us your name if you don’t want to.
3. We have more than 10,000 volunteers across the country including about 1,700 youth volunteers that we call Student Ambassadors. If you’re interested in volunteering, contact your local Kids Help Phone chapter for more information.
4. We hold fundraising eventsall the time – things like Bowlathons, movie days and the The Walk for Kids in support of Kids Help Phone help us raise the funds we need to be there when kids call or post online.
5. Calling Kids Help Phone or posting an online question is free for young people across Canada – but running the service isn’t free. We rely on donations from individuals, companies, clubs and associations to ensure we can continue being there for kids 24/7.
6. Posters, brochures, PSAs and music videos supporting Kids Help Phone can be viewed here.

Want to learn more? Visit our corporate site – there’s no counselling offered there, just great information about Kids Help Phone.

Shiva, Vandana. Water Wars: Privitization, Pollution, and Profit.  South End Press. 2002.

In Water Wars,  Vandana Shiva uses her remarkable knowledge of science and society to analyze the historical erosion of communal water rights.  Examining the international water trade, damming, mining, and aquafarming, Shiva exposes the destruction of the earth and the disenfranchisement of the world’s poor as they are stripped of their right to a precious common good.

Shiva reveals how many of the most important conflicts of our time, most often camouflaged as ethnic wars or religious wars, such as the ongoing Israeli-Palestinian conflict, are in fact conflicts over scarce but vital natural resources.

Water Wars  celebrates the spiritual and traditional role water has played in communities throughout history, and warns that water privatization threatens cultures and livelihoods worldwide.

 Back Cover

This book reads like a textbook.  I felt like I was in university again reading something I had to for class.  Although I think Shiva made some great points, there were so many facts and figures and annotations in the book, I felt it was a little dry.  There was no conversational tone to this book, it was more just a presentation of facts.  I did like how different aspects of the crisis were discussed:  from agriculture purposes to religious aspects of the water crisis.  I also liked how each chapter was self-contained and had it’s own footnote section at the end.

I would recommend this book if you were writing a paper for school, or really liked reading facts & figures.  It probably is not suitable for general interest in the topic.

I read this towards the 2010 Social Justice Challenge.