All Up in My Lady Business
Posted in At Home and tagged with Doctor on 02/01/2010 12:46 pm by JennI hate seriously dislike having my yearly physical. I hate that it is always cold in the office. I wish I could bring a blanket instead of wearing one of those flimsy paper gowns. Wouldn’t that be nice? All snug and cozy in my blanket, all safe and tucked away. And then when it was all over I could retreat back there where it is warm.
“Relax” they say. Yeah, well, this chica is cold-blooded (just ask the boyfriend) and my body temp is affected by the atmosphere, so if you want “relaxed” you better crank up the heat at least 5 degrees.
Oh yeah, and don’t come at me with those torture instruments. If I came at you with a speculum, you’d be a little hard-pressed to relax as well. I mean, I know you’re wearing a white lab coat (that you can buy at any university/college bookstore) and I know you have letters after your name (so do I), but you really have to see that doesn’t mean much when I am cold and scared.
Oh, and lie down on the table with the stirrups and schooch down to the end. Do you know how hard it is to schooch when the table is covered in paper and I am wearing a paper gown? Try rubbing two pieces of paper towel together and let me know how that works out for ya.
And don’t even get me started on the urine sample. Some people can’t hit the cup. ‘Nuf said. Oh, and saying “Uh Oh” while you’re down there? Not a good idea! I don’t want any comments from the peanut gallery. Really, can the comments and conversation wait until I am dressed and feeling more like an equal and less at a disadvantage?
And finally, the blood test on the way out. When I tell you I haven’t eaten all day and you say good, it’s better that way, but don’t tell me I should eat right after? That’s a problem!!
Until next year, ya horse’s patoot.
**It is important to note: that was my upset uterus talking. She always gets upset when there’s intruders. I like my doctor. She is very understanding, capable and qualified. It is important to get your lady parts checked. Mostly, I like that after she gropes me, she doesn’t expect to cuddle.**
February 1st, 2010 at 1:51 pm
oh tears, laugh-tears. you described is perfectly you wordstress you.
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February 1st, 2010 at 3:27 pm
That was hysterical, and so true!(:
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February 1st, 2010 at 4:21 pm
I hate going to the gyno it’s just uncomfortable. I don’t like my ass hanging off the end of the table and I don’t like strangers down there either lol
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Jenn Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:49 pm
It’s the end of the table that gets ya, doesn’t it? Thanks for the comment!
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February 1st, 2010 at 4:28 pm
I’ve got to go Wednesday…
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Jenn Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:49 pm
Ack! I feel your pain.
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February 1st, 2010 at 5:31 pm
This post is fantastic–so true! As a fellow cold-blooded woman, I feel your pain. Wouldn’t it be nice if, instead of that stupid paper “gown,” we got nice, plush, soft, warm robes??? Kinda like a spa. THAT would make the visit go about 10 times better.
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Jenn Reply:
February 1st, 2010 at 5:49 pm
Yes! That WOULD be nice! I like your style.
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February 1st, 2010 at 8:57 pm
Getting your lady parts checked is never a good time. I think we should all lobby for Snuggies instead of paper gowns.
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February 1st, 2010 at 10:05 pm
hahaha! that’s such a great recap of the dreaded yearly trip. and i totally hear you on the urine sample. is there a trick to it??? sometimes (like right before the sample gathering) i wish i were a boy. but then i wouldn’t need the sample, now would i?!?
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February 2nd, 2010 at 10:37 am
the worst is the q-tip… even my ears wont tolerate them now. for the rest of the day (when it goes in the vagina of course) I feel a ghost swab and it is painful. I always think they should give us popsicles or suckers
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Jenn Reply:
February 2nd, 2010 at 10:56 am
Or Godiva chocolates.
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February 12th, 2010 at 2:27 am
HAHAHAHa
Well – at least she found your uterus
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